My gorgeous sister-in-law has just abandoned solo living to move into a house with a friend in east London. My beautiful man and I have been terribly remiss in sending a housewarming gift so I thought I’d start with my refresher course for ‘living with people’.

Don’t dress the same. That’s weird.

All these examples are all from real events, but I wasn’t always the sinner, sometimes the sinned against.  The last of my points, writ first, is the old adage that to ASSUME makes an ASS of U and ME.  But mostly you.

1. Always change the toilet roll, put the milk back in the fridge and pay your rent on time.  This negates any accusations of bad house-mating for pretty much forever.  Unless you sleep with your house-mate’s partner.

2. Never sleep with your house-mate’s partner.  Not even accidentally.  Not even being a regular toilet roll changer will get you out of this one and I (whoops they) will ask you to move out.

3. Never date your house-mate.  Ever.  It will only ever end in marriage.  And then you’ll end up in Australia with two kids and none of your friends visiting because they have read too many stories about the spiders.

4. When your house-mate is wrong, never tell them.  Well unless there is an audience and you can do it in a faux friendly extremely bitchy stress relieving manner.

5. Take the time to work out what toiletries they use, what booze they drink and buy the same stuff.  It works out for everybody if you’re not having to spend time drawing lines on shampoo bottles or the cheap champagne.

6. If on the first day you live with your house-mate you catch them wearing your clothes and shoes, kick them out.  Do not wait until they steal your fundraising money and the cash from their job that day and the police come to visit.  Trust your instinct.

7. Have a date night each fortnight which includes takeaway, wine and a DVD.  Quality time isn’t only for romantic couples.  Since you have the same DVD taste as your brother, let them choose.

8. House-mates love baked goods.  Own that kitchen woman. You bake gooooooood.

9. If they leave their clothes on the drying line too long, take it off and fold it.  It doesn’t look like a passive aggressive act when you do it that way and you win brownie points for being lovely.  They can’t see inside your seething, revenge concocting mind.

10. If they do not shower enough – mention it.  If they refuse to shower more, buy some Febreeze and use it  whenever they walk in the same room as you.

11. If your house-mate’s mum and sister come to visit, smoke too much and ply them with wine.  That makes that moment a month later when you’ve started dating your house-mate and have to meet their family and make a good impression that little bit more awkward.

12. Remember their birthdays, their anniversaries and the name of the guy at work that they hate.  Forgetting these things make it look like you don’t listen.  Hard to come back from even if you genuinely don’t give a shit.

13. Pay for the TV licence.  Split it obviously but just remember to pay it.  It’s a stupid law but it’s the law in the UK and they actually send men out in a van if you don’t do it.

14. If on Valentine’s Day the police turn up to raid your house for drugs based on a tip off, you can be pretty confident it’s out of date and they are looking for previous tenants.  Do not assume your house-mates have any knowledge of it. It makes you look more paranoid than is cool.

15. Remember, becoming a woman that lives with cats rather than people is not an option.  If people don’t like living with you, it’s just be cruel to inflict yourself on cats, who don’t really have a right of reply.

Love you long time girlfriend.  Enjoy the new digs and okay, FINE, we’ll send a present.  x