In life I’m blessed in one way – I rarely crave ‘sweets’ as in chocolates or lollies.

That’s not to say that I can’t put them away when presented to me but given the opportunity I’d rather snort cheese and inhale crack(ers).  It’s just the way I am. More than a small bit of chocolate makes me feel ill. Don’t judge me – with vices as abundant as mine it’s nice that the universe cut me some slack there.

But I’m a sucker for empty calories in a can.  Or a bottle. I don’t drink hot drinks at all so I suck down my caffeine and my sugar in cold form. Sometimes I’m very good and only have the odd one and then there are days when I’m not that good and I’ll have two or three.

I also drink a lot of water. Litres of it. Remember that my wee was once declared the best the maternity nurse ever did see.  Totally boasting there people. Olympic grade pee.  Go me. I am well hydrated and could get the t-shirt to prove it!

So when I watched ‘That Sugar Film’ this week (way after it was cool – I know! I know!) I wasn’t expecting it to be comfortable viewing.  But then Hugh Jackman appeared on the screen and “Hello!”

By the time Stephen Fry came on to recite me poetry I was won over.

And then I wasn’t.

The film is good fun to watch. Well researched. Production is fun giving you some great visuals to describe some pretty dry processes within the body.  It definitely got me thinking about my insides and the fabulous work the various organs (big shout out to the liver clearly – you’re totes my favourite baby!) are doing inside of my ‘toffee tummy’.

Workers of the world run to the top of the mountain

I learned loads about fructose and glucose and sucrose and lactose and I now know how much a gram of sugar is.  I remembered how much I liked Zoe Tuckwell-Smith and randomly googled what they called their baby (Velvet) and I was definitely learning things.

I am also 100% committed to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever in my life drinking Mountain Dew again.  Even though I couldn’t tell you if I’ve actually ever drunk it before. But I definitely won’t again. That lad’s mouth. Totally contraceptive.  Poor thing.

But it didn’t make me passionate about giving up sugar.  It definitely gave me a kick in the arse about refining my bad habits.  But the arse is well padded so I have come to the conclusion that the kick was an irritant rather than a motivator.

And that was because there was a lot of bullshit in the film. Some of it was clearly bullshit because it was coming from the face of the self styled nutritionist and ‘food rock star’ David Wolfe whose ‘truths’ about a lot of things from good eating to vaccination have been proven to be nothing more than the bullshittiest kind of bullshit. Meryl Dorey is a fan of David Avocado Wolfe. Enough said.

It also pretty much says that bi-polar, stupidity, the imminent extinction of the oldest civilisation on earth, all moods, anxiety, depression and acts of joy are directly related to the intake of processed sugar.  And it was presented in such a common sense way that I was all set to throw of the shackles of sugar and live a perfect life.

It’s a seductive movie. Saccharine bliss is the nirvana of any rom-com junkie and if all I had to do was break up with processed food to basically be as happy as Drew Barrymore and as beautiful as Lupita Nyong’o ALL OF THE TIME why wouldn’t I?

Um, because science.

Um, because moderation.

Um, because genetics. I am never going to be as beautiful as Lupita Nyong’o. And that saddens me.

Lupita on Sesame Street being gorgeous

I am not going to deny that the movie has got me thinking about doing things better.  Nobody likes to recognise their own ‘toffee tummy’ on a TV screen. From that point of view – That Sugar Film got me thinking.  But it’s not radicalised me. It’s not taught me anything that I didn’t fundamentally know. It didn’t inspire me to be a clean eating vegan inspired actor with a penchant for dodgy turtle necks.

I liked that it got me thinking. I will give all of you who implored me to watch it that. It really did. And I like having my thinking challenged.

But in all honestly, the ‘The Weeping Camel’ did the same thing back in 2004.  I honestly didn’t know then about weeping camels or classical violinists on the Mongolia steppes, but by Colin it was fascinating. You should totally watch it. You’ll learn a lot of things you didn’t know.

And none of them will involve David Wolfe.

Or the mouth of a Mountain Dew addict.  And for that you will truly thank me.

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